Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Failure... my old friend

My relationship with failure began at a very young age.  Upon completing kindergarten I was placed into "Transition."  I don't know whether to refer to this year as kindergarten 1.5 or my freshman year of 1st grade.  Either way I did not go straight into 1st grade.  My mother insists that I did not flunk kindergarten.  Ummmmm, mom what on earth do you call it when a kid doesn't go into 1st grade after kindergarten?  She says "I talked a lot, they thought I would "mature" and stop talking so much if I had another year of school." Oh mom, how did that work out? :)  I am 30 and still can't seem to shut up. 

I was supposed to be class of 1999 and instead I was class of 2000.  I have a class picture from that freshman year of 1st grade.  Of the kids that remained in Benton City, I think only two of us actually graduated High School.  So I'm just gonna say that the "Transition" class was a bad idea.  I pretty much decided in Kindergarten 1.5 that I was stupid.  A feeling I still struggle with today.

I furthered my relationship with failure when I got to High School and failed Algebra not once but TWICE!  I just hated it!  And I kept on kissing my "tutors."  Those "tutors" didn't end up helping in anyway, other then to ensure that I had a date to Prom.  (Which by the way was actually my first priority.)

These failures have really shaped my life.  The second time I Failed Algebra I decided I would not be attending college.  There was no need for me to go to college, I was gonna be famous.  I was pretty sure that Juila Roberts did not have a college degree, so there was no need for me to get one either.  The crazy thing is that I really, REALLY believed this.  College was trivial and for common people.  I was anything but common.  

If I had passed Kindergarten I would have graduated at the age of 17.  If I hadn't failed Algebra TWICE I would have been college bound.  That college most likely would have been Wazzu. (That's where my best guy friend was and I'm sure I would have gone there just to be by my friend.)  I didn't make the decision to remain Mormon until I was 17 and 1 month.  At 18, which would have been my freshman year of college, I wouldn't have stuck to that decision.

Instead, I graduated at 18 years 11 months.  I was beauty school bound and committed to my religion.  So I went to Utah.  The place where I swore I would never go.  Five months later I met David.  Six months after that we got married.  Two year after that we started our family.  I have started college but not yet finished.

If on paper I am a failure... Why do I feel like such a raging success?  Because I do feel like a total success.  It might not be PC to say.... but the reason I feel so happy and successful is because of David.  Dave and I couldn't be more different.  We have nothing in common.  But he makes me so happy.  Together we have an awesome life.  Everyday I fall more in love with him.  All four of our kids are Awesome!  I love my life!  Without such major failures in my early life I wouldn't have the awesome life I have today.

I am grateful for failure.  Having failed so much in my life I do not see failure as a big deal.  It's made me fearless and willing to try anything.  I know if I fail at something It will suck, I will feel stupid and then I'll get up and either try again or  try something new.   As a parent I hope that I can install this fearlessness of failure in my children without them actually failing so terrifically in their youth.

I don't believe that the Lord wanted me to fail.  But he sure did help guide my life to a place of wonderful through my failures. 

... As for my weight loss journey.  It's been 58 days and I'm only down 9.6 pounds.  I wish it was going quicker.  But this is the lightest I've ever been this soon after having a baby.  I have to remind myself of this daily.... It keeps me from eating a whole sleeve of Oreos by myself. 

My running is going well.  I ran a organized 5K on October 22nd.  My goal was to finish in 30 minutes or less.  I finished 3.1 miles in 29:16.  I'm very happy with that.  I ran 4 miles on Saturday (un timed) and it felt really good.  Almost fun.  My new goal is to run 5 miles on Thanksgiving morning.  Hopefully in less then 50 minutes.  I've got to get my pace to a steady 9 minute mile, being able to hit consecutive 10 minute miles when Heidi is still so little will be very helpful in meeting that  9 minute mile goal.   

David and I at his Undergrad Graduation 2005.

Me a couple years before my first year of Kindergarten.;)


Dori said...

Loved it!

Bart & Misty said...

Now you're going to make me think of all my failures in life- thanks a lot! I had them burried deep!! I enjoyed the read :)

Roma said...

Like we've all heard before: It doesn't matter how many times you fall, but how many times you get back up. You are a great writer Jod! I enjoy reading your posts so much! Love Ya

Anonymous said...

Your not a failure! Your one of my biggest role models (besides my parents)! Your an awesome person!! I want to be pretty, awesome, and funny... just like you!!

With Love,
Your niece... can you guess which one?

P.S. Im from your brother Dallas. :)