Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Trials of the muffin tops

I am pretty sure no one cares how fat I feel. However I if I'm going to blog, it's going to be a real representation of my thoughts and feeling.

What the heck? Why can't I stop eating? I was doing just fine, working out and eating sort of reasonable. Then for some reason I fell off the wagon. I went from running around 25 miles a week, to thinking about running 5 miles a week. Only to make up for the lack of exercise I have decided to up my caloric intake by eating any sweets that pass with in 100 feet of me! At first this didn't seem to affect me, however I woke up this week and my butt had grown, A LOT! I keep thinking my box of fat clothes doesn't look so fat any more. Am I the only person who does this to them self? I love peanut M&M's! Some how in my head I have decided that the peanuts in the M&M's makes them ok to consume in mass amounts.

The solution? The only solution I can think of is to once again join good old weight watchers. This company has taken a lot of my money over the last 18 months. However I am very motivated by standing in front of that tiny women who has lost like 150 pounds and looks like a bird. I never stay for the meetings, I pay the money so I can stand in front of the bird women each week and get weighed.

I am also going to have to go back to the gym! Let me tell you about the only gym in Eagle River Alaska. It's 60 bucks a month for a basic one person membership. It is an additional 6 bucks a day to put my kids in the child care program. Adding up to usually around 160 bucks a month on the gym. It is the smallest and the dirtiest gym I've ever been in! I hate it! Everything about it! But when I went I was the size I wanted to be and loved to go clothes shopping. Now if some one tried to get me to go shopping I would give them a very nasty look and then politely decline. I am not happy with my body.

So how did this happen? Well first we went on vacation, that never helps. But I did ok coming out of that. Then I was running so dang much that I really could eat what ever I wanted and not gain weight. Then I started to break my no eating at work rule. Then I stopped running and started really eating at work. I've got to stop eating at work. I've really only gained 10 pounds from my smallest, but it feels like 30.

Solution? Dave has to leave again! No not really. But when he is gone I'm like a machine. I have complete control over what I eat and I work out two hours a day and don't even think it's a big deal! But when he is home I just have this need to eat what ever I want. Hopefully I'll pull it together soon. I have to pull it together soon. I'm really not happy with my self.

On a better note, my son Abraham turns 5 tomorrow! How crazy is that? Who said it would be ok for me to have a 5 year old? The crazy part about Abe being 5 is that he has no idea I have no business being his mother. I just keep waiting for the day when some government agency will show up at my door and tell me the experiment is over and take him away. This of course would would make very sad, but I've been expecting it for years.

I love Dave. I say this about 100 times a day. Lately I've been taking my self loathing out on him. The other day I tried to talk him into leaving me. I'm sure glad he didn't take me up on it. I really got lucky when I snagged that guy.

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